Marty, it’s me, Doc Brown, and I am back again…
From the future!
No, Marty, I did not go to Lebowskifest Seattle in 2019 again. Geez, I do explore other times and places occasionally. I have just flown back from the 2010 World Cup Final next month, and boy are my arms tired. Not funny Marty? Well, Einstein is laughing, isn’t he? Maybe you just don’t get my humor, Marty. Anyways, I have some serious shit to tell you Marty, so listen up. I am about to tell you the answers to the 3 questions that are currently being pondered by panhandling gamblers all over the planet:
1. Which lads will become legends in South Africa?
2. Which squads will sour their supporters’ spirits?
3. Which team will have the tenacity to win it all?
As to ol’ numero uno there (which mere men will become gods), I will tell you three guys whose lives will never be the same after this World Cup: (1) Lionel Messi, (2) Wayne Rooney and (3) Landon Donovan. Each of these individuals will allow their incendiary talent to finally ignite into an impressive display of their soccer acumen. Marty, that’s fancy ivory tower talk for the fact that I think (nay, know) that these three gents will generate some serious goals soon.
As to the second query (who will suck), I will tell you that my magic eight ball says (in addition to “stop shaking me asshole”) that Torres will not be a tyrant, Drogba will drag no defenses down, and Cristiano Ronaldo will end up clandestinely crying in a corner. These men just don’t have the muster to take their teams to the top, Marty. Think of their teams as De Loreans and them as unfaithful flux capacitors who will never be able to prevent their futile futures.
And, finally, regarding my third hypo (which team will make history by hoisting the Jules Rimet Trophy as 2010 World Cup Champion), I almost feel like I shouldn’t tell you, Marty. After all, if you know everything, then betting will be no fun. Not to mention, you still have not paid me my cut of the money you won when I tipped you to bet on Italy last time around. So, I will instead just tell you a few teams I think will be in the hunt as the tournament rolls on:
You can’t bet against Brazil.
But England is due.
You have to like Argentina.
But you can never count out Italy.
You should favor Germany.
But don’t doubt the Dutch either.
What’s that Marty? No, I already said I won’t tell you who wins it all. You only get to ask me for “sure things” once a month, Marty, and you know you already used your June allocation when you texted me to find out how this season of FlashForward ends. You need to go your own way on this one. What am I going to do about it if you don’t? Well, I have 1.21 gigawatts of a generous helping of ass kicking for you if you would really like to keep mouthing off to me.
Hold on. I heard something. Oh no, it’s those damn Libyan terrorists again, Marty. Seriously, this keeps happening to us, and I keep saying I need to go back to the past and take the Lojack off the De Lorean, but I’ll be damned if I just haven’t been able to do it yet due to my busy schedule. What’s that you say? Well, yes, my schedule for this week does include a brief stop over at Lebowskifest Seattle in 2019. What do you say Marty? Want to do a little bowling? No?
Fine, you can stay here and get blown by these Libyan guys.
Did I say that wrong? I meant blown away.
Or did I?
See ya later Marty! Have fun at the big dance and don’t forget to bet big on the 2010 World Cup.