Yes, that’s me, STO readers.

After over 400 posts for this site, this is likely the first time most readers have ever seen what I look like. Of course, that is not what I’ve always looked like. In fact, I recently had a massive, glorious beard.

It was magnificent. It was a part of me. But, as you can see, now it is gone. Sure, it could grow back, but I miss it already. Alas, my beautiful beard has left me.

But, before I lost my humongous hirsutism, I sheared the beast down into five different examples of the greatest facial hair in soccer history. Hey, what can I say, it was a Sunday, (American) football was over, and I was bored. Over the next week, I will be showing you the men who wore these amazing hairy looks, as well as my own version.

Is this possibly the most insane, weirdest countdown I have ever done on this site? Yes, but just by mere whiskers. Was that the worst pun I have ever uttered on this site? Yes, but again, just by a hair. Will I ever run out of these ridiculous male pogonotrophy puns? No, they are like a hair of the dog that bit me.

Read my formerly hairy lips.

I will never stop. 

If I did, you all might let your hair down. Zing.

Come to think of it, I never should have stopped growing my beard in the first place. It was tremendous. It kept my face warm. It let me taste what I had eaten hours earlier. It was truly a good friend, and I killed it. I sheared the monster off my face, and now I will dedicate these posts to my lost comrade. My beard.

So, come back to STO over the next five days to learn about the five men who had the best facial hair in soccer history, as well as the legendary feats they accomplished while they displayed them. These posts may even make your hair stand on end and thus be a real hair raising experience, if you will. I told you I had thousands more hair idoms.

In any event, please come back to hear about the best facial hair in world soccer history over the next week, as well as to see the pictures of my and other bountiful beards and other facial hair varieties. It is going to be a freak show, but I promise, there will be no bearded women. I would never do that to you guys. After all, you know I would never harm a single hair on your heads.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist getting in just one more.