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U.S. WNT Arouses Interest in Soccer (and Women)

Here @ STO, we mostly cover the men’s game. By that I mean, we’ve never, ever written a post about the beautiful game being played by members of the more beautiful sex (the ladies, if you will).

So, when I was perusing soccer headlines and came across “Kai Nets Hat Trick As U.S. Rout Canada 6-0”, I thought to myself, “why not write a post about the ladies’ victory for Mother’s Day?” I like ladies, I like hat tricks and I like routing Canada. It’s a win-win from my end.

So, here it is ladies, the bone I’m throwing your way for Mother’s Day (I am instantly regretting the multiple meanings of that last statement).

After watching highlights of the U.S.’s victory, I have come to many conclusions. The first is that our women’s national soccer team is very, very good. And by that I mean, much better than Canada’s, and better than just about everyone else’s (except Brazil, but what do you expect, so many of the girls are apparently boys).


My second conclusion, I love Hope Solo. What an awesome name, Hope Solo. It’s like she’s Han Solo’s daughter or something. He would be an awesome father-in-law. I would totally jump @ the chance to have Chewbacca officiate our wedding. R2D2 could be the ring bearer. But C3PO is not invited. That robot’s voice creeps me out.

My next conclusion is that Natasha Kai is a freaking animal. She exploded for three goals at the start of the second half, after doing basically nothing during the first half (which team leader Abby Wambach so kindly pointed out to the media after the game… Cat Fight, meow!). It looked like Kai flipped a switch and said “OK, Canada, this was fun, but I got a thing, so lemme just go ahead and put an end to this, chop-chop.”

The last conclusion? I feel sorry for Poor Canada. Haven’t those people suffered enough.

So, why does America still pay little attention to the women’s game? Their professional leagues have been financially troubled, and the wave of popularity that surged after the 2000 World Cup has quickly crested and slowly drifted back to sea.

I think the last women’s soccer league didn’t succeed in America because chauvinist dads just didn’t want to have to tell their buddies they were taking their boys and girls to see women’s soccer instead of some men’s game, any men’s game, for God’s sake! (is the men’s doubles badminton tourney still on for this weekend…)  

Why are heads of households more easily dragged to see Hannah Montana than Mia Hamm? (well, not counting the pervy heads of househoulds…)

Because (and allow me to be frank), they think the quality of play sucks.

They also (and allow me to be even more frank), think the girls are not cute.

And finally (and just go ahead and assume I’m always going to be frank), they think all the girls are probably lesbians and daddies don’t want to raise a little lesbian. They want little girls who play with Barbie’s and dream about unicorns, not little Rosie O’Donnells.

But I say to these sexist men of America?

Who cares?

Reasons why you should care about women’s soccer even if your a chauvinist:

A. It’s better than mowing the lawn; 

B. It’s actually damn entertaining;

C. Heather Mitts;

D. It’s nice to see your national soccer team embarass opponents; or

E. All of the Above.

It’s (E) people. But those chauvinists who put (C) will receive credit.

OK, some of the girls aren’t that attractive. But have you ever taken a hard look at Luciano Emilio? Are you telling me you would rather look at Bob Bradley than Heather Mitts?

And if all of the girls are lesbians (which they are not, according to my brain’s Wikipedia page, soccer players are usually heterosexual, unlike softball players) then doesn’t that mean Heather Mitts and Hope Solo are lesbians? You’ll thank me for that visual image.

So, in summary, the MNT’s fortunes appear to be rising, but the WNT’s cup already runneth over. They have never lost under their new coach (13-0-1). They have actually won a World Cup. They play hard and they display unparalleled physical athleticism. It’s time for us all to start to take notice. STO will cover the women’s game.

Especially Hope Solo.