The Host: Happy birthday to you, Tim Howard! You are not only one of the finest American players of all-time, but you are also one of the nicest Nats ever. You are as renowned for your impenetrable play between the pipes as you are for your generosity off the pitch, so today we will salute everything you have accomplished over the last 31 years. Yes, we know your actual birthday is tomorrow, but we could only “share the love” at Red Lobster on Friday night.
The Toast: I’m sorry, Tim, but we wouldn’t have wanted to miss the free “Fry”day Fritters, right? Anyways, I must toast you for being perhaps the most successful US player to ever cross the pond. You have had a very strong career in the Prem, and you have clearly emerged as one of the (rare) reasons America could actually win the Cup in 2010. As a GK, your career could last for many more bdays like Mr. Freidel’s, who has been abroad so long he sounds like a Brit!
The Roast: How do you roast such a nice guy, huh Tim? This certainly will be a tough one. Well, let’s see, I could go with the fact that you share a birth state with Snooki from Jersey Shore. No, that’s not funny at all. I’m certainly not going to poke fun at the racism you have endured or the Tourette’s you overcame. For God’s sake, I’m not that irreverent. Family Guy would probably take a shot though. Hmm, let’s see, how about your goofy ass ears?
Terrible, but I’ll count it. You’ve been roasted Tim. Happy 31st birthday (tomorrow).
I hope you get some good gifts. I hope you give us all a better one this summer.