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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Ricky Clark Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

The Host: Surprise, Ricardo “Ricky” Clark, it’s your birthday buddy! Yay for Ricky! We have all gathered here at our local Red Lobster to (1) celebrate the amazing soccer feats you have performed in the last 27 years and (2) “share the love”. Here are your presents, but it looks like you already got a great gift this year though when you moved on from the Houston Dymano and MLS to tackle tougher opponents for Eintracht Frankfurt in Germany’s Bundesliga.

The Toast: You have also recently regained the confidence of Bob “Skeletor” Bradley, who seemed to favor anyone but you in the middle with his son Michael for a while there. Luckily, you have bounced back from some poor performances and once again look poised to perhaps start in a central defensive midfield position for the US Nats at the 2010 World Cup. You also have shown a nose for the net finally. In fact, your goal against T&T was dynamite.

The Roast: But, it is your birthday, so we can’t fawn over you all day. Nope, we also must roast your chestnuts over an open fire, so here goes. First of all, for future reference, if you are going to score gamewinners for the US, you might not want to do it against Trinidad. After all, your dad (who is named “Lancelot”, no joke) was born there and is still a big fan of their squad. Secondly, you need to update your old bio online. Well, unless you still admire Tiger Woods, of course.

Finally, if you are going to get a red card in an international match, you may not want to do it by cleating Genarro Gattuso. After all, Gattuso is known as “The Rhino” and is one of the only men in the history of soccer to be ordered to put his uniform back on by a ref after stripping down to his skivvies on the pitch to celebrate a big win. So, what I am saying is, he’s batshit crazy. So, Ricky, watch your back and have a great 27th year buddy. You have been roasted.

{ 1 comment… add one }
  • Martin September 9, 2013, 9:19 am

    What an awful last paragraph. It reads like you were in a hurry to get it submitted.

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