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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Onyewu Edition

The making of...

The Host: Happy birthday, Oguchi Onyewu! We are all here at our local Waffle House (but it’s a Belgian Waffle House for you Gooch) to (1) consider the actual architectural integrity of a domicile constructed entirely out of waffles and (2) celebrate the amazing feats you have performed on a soccer pitch over the last 28 years. So, let’s get this party started, right? Am I right, or am I right? Yeah Gooch, you’re right, I’m right. Ah, good times. Oh, yeah, the toast…

The Toast: Gooch, your gift to us has been your fantastic play for our Nats. You have put in not only the quantity (+50 caps) but also the quality (5 goals and some physical defense) to make yourself a surefire starter in South Africa so long as you are healthy. You also put in above-standard performances for Standard Liege in Belgium (+140 games and two league titles) before moving to Serie A giant Milan. You’re a big man for whom we have a big plan.

The Roast: Gooch, there is only one thing I know of that I can roast you with, and that’s your similarities to Alexi Lalas. You have both been the only player of your generation plying their trade in Serie A (though you haven’t technically plied anything due to your injury). Plus, you both like Hootie. Well Gooch, that’s just what I hear anyways. In addition, you are the only two defenders to win the US Soccer Player of the Year Award. 

Finally, and most telling of all if you ask my humble opinion… 

You are both gingers with goatees.

OK, one or two of those could have been lies. But, hey people, it’s a roast. Get over it.

What’s that Gooch?

Yeah, I can explain that. Well, let’s see. Maybe not actually.

Huh, they know?  

Oh, really, they know? OK, I’ll admit it then.

Um, Robbie Rogers and Luis Robles, can you come over here. Yeah, I knew it was your guys’ birthdays earlier this week, but I just didn’t really have the scratch to get you both a cake and everybody was really slammed with work so – yeah – it just didn’t come together. I mean, I barely managed to throw this together at the last minute for Gooch too. How’d I get the money to rent this Waffle House then? Um, well, I got this email from a Nigerian guy…

No, not you Gooch. That guy you introduced me to. Yeah, that Nigerian Prince. Yep.

He says I’m going to be rich real soon. When he sends the check, I’ll get you a cake then Robbie.

I promise.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields