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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Parkhurst Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

The Host: Michael Parkhurst, let me be the first to say “Happy Birthday!” Wait, your birthday was yesterday? Geez, I’m so sorry. Well, we managed to get everyone together here at our local Chili’s, so we might as well (1) honor the soccer feats you have accomplished in the last 26 years, and (2) “pepper in some flavor.” After all, your immense talent has taken you to foreign shores (Denmark, to be exact) and earned you an opportunity to succeed with the US Nats. Sure, Bradley doesn’t seem to favor you as much as a couple of other defenders, but you are on his radar. 

The Toast: To earn a spot on the World Cup roster though, you will need to stop worrying about Skeletor’s radar, and instead simply start jamming attackers. You need to impress now more than ever. Sure, you spent three years as a fixture in the back for Nicol’s Revs, but I don’t think Bob is impressed with your dominance in MLS. Then again, you weren’t just a little dominant, you were named Rookie of the Year in ’05, and Best XI and Defender of the Year in ’07.

The Roast: Um, like my “roast” for Foudy the other day, this one is pretty weak because you, Mr. Parkhurst, have basically lived such an admirable life. Let’s see, you were the MLS Humanitarian of the Year Award winner twice. You were not only kind off the pitch though. After all, you also won the MLS Fair Play Award two years in a row. In short (well, you do look a little short, but that’s just plain mean), I really can’t think of anything at all I can roast you, an American man, about. 

Wait, what Michael? You’re half-Irish? I had no idea. Thanks for picking the US man!

I know we are glad they didn’t steal you. No, not our Lucky Charm!

You’ve been roasted, Michael. Happy birthday and have a fantastic 26th year!