The Host: Happy birthday to you, Mariel Margaret Garciaparra, or as I will always think of you, Mia Hamm. Today, we have all gathered at our local Heavenly Ham (where else could we go?) because your birthday is a time “when taste matters” and we want to tastefully (sort of) celebrate the feats you have accomplished despite being on this Earth only 38 years. You’ve gone from a small Selma schoolgirl to a legendary World Cup champion.
The Toast: I don’t have enough time to toast to all your accomplishments, and even more importantly, we don’t have enough booze, so we won’t go to the trouble of subjecting everyone here at the “Ham” to such a lengthy list. Instead, I will simply toast your class. You always displayed strong sportsmanship despite your obviously competitive spirit. I am going to teach my daughter to play the tenacious way you did, often tough but always fair.
The Roast: Well, Mrs. Garciaparra, I won’t dare roast you for your affiliation with Nomar (pronounced by asshole baseball fans as “No-mah”). You have a beautiful family and I wouldn’t dare disparage it. There must be something with which I can get your goat though. Oh, no, I didn’t mean your actual goat. What’s his name? Ah, Billy, of course. Yeah, I made that up too. I just don’t think I can roast you, Mia. Happy birthday though, and have a good year!
OK, time to go everbody. Oh, wait a minute. Dang. I forgot. Geez I’m sorry. Everybody, I forgot to make a note of it but it’s also Danny Califf’s birthday. Ah man, sorry Danny. Man! Kind of forgot about you there while we were celebrating the greatest American soccer player ever. We’ll make it up to you next year, OK bud? Want a slice of cake? Oh, I’m being informed we don’t have any left. Sorry. I should just shut up, yeah. Ham? Nope. Bye everyone!