≡ Menu

US Soccer Birthday Roast: Marcus & Cobi Edition

The making of...The Hosts: Marcus Hahnemann & Cobi Jones, welcome to your surprise joint birthday party. And, yes Cobi, you – unlike Mr. Adu the other day – actually are getting a joint for your birthday. Don’t smoke this spliff until your real bday tomorrow, alright bud? Ah, I know you won’t wait! Classic Cobi! Anyways, gather round people, so everyone can hear. We came hungry to this IHOP and we expect to leave happy after celebrating Marcus (38) and Cobi’s (40) birthdays.

The Toasts: First, let me say this to you Marcus, you are one hell of a keeper. You’ve played +300 games in England and have done decently when called upon by the Nats. I commend you. One thing you didn’t have that was special though was the ability to grow pubes on your head like Cobi. Ah, just wait for the roast below Cobi! No, seriously Cobi, your hair was unique, but then again so was your amazing soccer talent. You are the Nats all-time leader in caps (164 with 15 goals) and a bona fide MLS legend.

The Roasts: But, I can’t let you both off the hook yet though. Nope, it’s roasting time. Now, Marcus, I could spin some yarns about how old you are. Like the fact you got your first cap for the US when some of your current teammates were breastfeeding. Oh that’s gross Special K! How can you say that about your own mother? Anyways, I won’t make “over the hill” jokes because I don’t want to make Cobi feel bad. After all, he is even older than you Marcus. I could make fun of you Cobi for being so short (5’7″) but I believe then I would be the pot calling the kettle black.

No, Cobi, I’m not talking about ganja again.

No, I wasn’t being racist either with the “black” comment.

Geez, you’re paranoid.

Did you smoke that spliff already?

Classic Cobi!

Ah, happy birthday to Cobi and Marcus! Best of luck in the next year boys.

OK, everyone, it’s time to get out of this International House of Pancakes.

But before we head to the after-party, get out your passports so we can pay and go.


Oh, so the restaurant is not actually on “international” territory so we don’t need passports.

I knew that. 

Cobi, stop breathing that stuff in my face, OK?

Classic Cobi! 

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields