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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Julie Foudy Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

The Host: Julie Foudy, welcome to your b-day party! I know, your birthday isn’t until tomorrow, but I wanted to surprise you. So, we have all gathered here at Applebee’s to do two things (1) honor your accomplishments over the last 39 years and (2) eat “good in the neighborhood.” But before we grub, let me first say that you are truly one of the legends of US Soccer. You played for the Lady Nats for 17 years and you were the Captain during some of their biggest victories. It’s your bday, but you have so many gifts already.

The Toast: For example, no woman (American or otherwise) has ever played defensive midfield with more tenacity that you did. You were physically gifted, but your dedication to honing your craft and your unwavering loyalty to the US team allowed you to even transcend your sharp skills. You won two World Cups and two Olympic Gold medals. In fact, if one was putting together an all-time female soccer team, they would be hard-pressed not to include you.

The Roast: So, if you are so darn perfect, how will I raise your ire during this roast? Hmm, let me see. Um, I heard that you gave up a big, lucrative sponsoship because you didn’t like the way the company was treating its workers. Wait, that isn’t negative. Um, I also heard you are a humanitarian who travels the globe fighting for the rights of children. Yeah… damn! Geez, I ain’t got much on you Ms. Foudy. I am totally whiffing the pinata right now. 

Wait, I heard that you sometimes substitute for Dana Jacobson on ESPN First Take.

Is that true? If so, isn’t that akin to being a body double for Rosie O’Donnell?  

Julie, you have been roasted. Happy birthday and have a fantastic 39th year!