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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Jimmy & Pia Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

The Host: Happy birthday to Jimmy Conrad and Pia Sundhage, two of my favorite people associated with soccer in the United States. We have all gathered here at our local IHOP (we went “international” for Swede Pia) to (1) celebrate the amazing feats you have both achieved on and off the pitch, and (2) “come hungry and leave happy.” This place can hardly accommodate us all though because you two seem to be favorites of not just mine, but all US soccer lovers.

The Toast: And, hey, how could we not dig you guys? Jimmy, you are the quintessential “grinder” on defense. You are now 33, so your career is winding down, but you still have a ton left in the tank for a guy with 300 pro games under his belt, not to mention 26 appearances for the Nats. Pia, first, let me just say, yes, I know your birthday is actually tom0rrow. Please forgive me for being early, it’s just you are such a swell coach for the Lady Nats. 

The Roast: In fact, you have healed a team that was pretty broken when you found it. You were a great player (you were named the 6th best female player of the last century by FIFA), but you may be an even better coach. Damn, both you guys are so dreamy, how am I ever going to rip on you? Um, let’s see. Pia, you have appeared on a stamp in Sweden. Hmm, so it looks like maybe I have found a way to lick you without violating that restraining order!

Yikes, that was more creepy than funny. OK, chance at redemption now. Um, Jimmy C., you have written for both SI and ESPN, so let me ask you this: at which company was Rick Reilly more annoying to work with? Eh, yeah, that was more of a Reilly roast. His birthday was nine days ago, so I guess it is somewhat appropriate. Sorry, Jimmy, I just couldn’t come up with anything else. It’s not like you have had your face on a stamp or anything. Plus…

You know I am going to lick you regardless…

Pia and Jimmy,  you have been roasted. Hope you both have a great bday!