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US Soccer Birthday Roast: EJ Edition

The making of...The Host: Happy birthday Eddie Johnson! We have all gathered here at our local Fuddruckers to (1) sample the “better beef” and (2) celebrate the amazing feats you have committed with your feet over the last 26 years. While you have not always been a favorite of Bob Bradley, you are still well liked by people like myself, who have had the pleasure of playing as your “avatar” on one of the many FIFA video games. They always make you very fast.

The Toast: And, that’s because you are fast EJ! Lighting-fast, come to think of it. But, you’re first touch is a bit suspect, and your shooting is… well… Oh, wait, this is the toast section. I need to get back to praising you instead of braising you. I don’t know Eddie, what else can I say? You burn the bad defenses during qualifying, but I have never seen you step up against the big boys. You are quick as a cat, but you aren’t known for your vision or accuracy.

The Roast: You may just have nine lives like a cat though and make it to the World Cup in 2010. If so, please bring it all with you and then leave it all there with a performance that is exhausting to just watch. Run your ass off. Then, you will be an asset, for sure. With Charlie gone, we may need you. Maybe your gift to us (and ours to you) can be a thrilling World Cup performance that finally fulfills so many predictions about your prodigy-like talent.

That would be a great gift. No roast for you EJ, just a toast to your roasting others. Your birthday is actually tomorrow, and I hope you have a good one. Tomorrow is also the birthday of my younger brother as well, so I hope he has a good one too. Bro, may your next year be productive and profitable, and may your “avatar” on FIFA outrun EJ’s.  And, by doing so, may you deliver a virtual 2010 World Cup title for the US.  I will take whatever I can get.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields