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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Dax McC Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

The Host: Happy birthday to Dax McCarty! Woo-hoo! Dax, I have always liked to call you the Ginger DMC even though you hate it, so today I’ll just call you DMC, OK bud? No? Still don’t like? Tough it out, then, OK bud? Ah, you know I am kidding DMC! We are all here at you local Dallas “Sizzler” (who missed a good opportunity to sponsor the Burn a few years back) to (1) have a few steaks and ales and (2) celebrate your soccer feats over the last 23 years.

The Toast: You’ve proven yourself to be a fine player in MLS, rising through the ranks at Dallas. You’ve taken the pitch more than 75 times for the Hoops already, and you’ve earned the respect of the fans (all 2,500 of them) who stand by the team by hustling your ass off on the pitch and notching the occasional clutch goal. You have also got on the pitch for the Senior Nats twice now. I don’t think you will be going to South Africa though. There’s always 2014.

The Roast: DMC, it is time for your roast. First of all, let me explain why I call you DMC. It is because I absolutely, positively hate the name “Dax.” It reminds me of that guy from Punk’d who now considers himself a TV and film actor and I absolutely, positively hate that guy. So, I call you DMC. Man, that really wasn’t a burn at all, which sucks because you play for the Former Burn. I’m sorry, I just can’t roast you. There is too much ginger on ginger violence already.

Happy birthday Dax (shudder) McCarty! Have a great 23rd year.