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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Davies Edition

The making of...The Host: Everyone gather round, it is time to celebrate the birthday of Charlie Davies who turns 24 today. Charlie, we love you, happy birthday man. And hey, we have also all been “lovin’ it” here at McDonalds where we are (1) honoring you for your feats (with your feet) over your career and (2) going face down into that big bag of balls at the playground outside. Stop laughing everyone! No, Charlie, I didn’t mean it that way. Grow up everybody. This is a very serious occasion here guys.

Charlie, we know you would rather be playing in the Cup right now than in the balls.

Seriously guys, am I going to have to ask some you to go outside.

Stop giggling! 

The Toast: There certainly isn’t anything funny about your play, Charlie. You are a deadly striker and a solid dribbler. Your brief career has been spectacular. You eschewed MLS for Europe, and you had great success at Hammarby before moving to Sochaux. At the Confederations Cup, you went from National Team no name status to bona fide Best XI territory pretty freakin’ quick. Your injury has made you miss this Cup, but it did not rob you of your career. You can now not only be a globetrotting galactico, but you can also be an inspiration to the injured worldwide.

The Roast: Enough of this sissy stuff though. It is time for the roast! I mean that both ways it can be taken: (1) as an indication that I am about to rip CD9 a new one and (2) as a warning that I am about to whip out a truly delicious roast I specially ordered for Chuck’s birthday. Everyone stand back, I am going to pull it out of the furnace. Holy shit that’s hot! Damn, I think it’s undercooked. Well, let’s go ahead and eat it anyways. We need to get the hell out of here guys.

I’m telling you. We are not safe here.

I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but I don’t even think we are actually at a Mickey D’s. I recognize that patron over there, he is an actor. This is just a set like The Truman Show. We are part of a covert government program. What’s that Charlie? What’s the program’s purpose? Well, it’s the same as every government program’s: to ensure the survival of the government program. This one does it by making me eat Big Macs over and over. Those sick bastards. It’s the CIA! 

I have one more surprise for you.

That leg of lamb you are eating?

It’s not a leg of lamb at all.

What is it?

It’s a stanky leg.

Ah – I kid – I had you guys going there for awhile with the conspiracy theory thing, right?

Good times.

But, ahem, seriously they are watching us!

And I’m watching you Charlie and I am cheering for you to succeed.

Happy birthday Charlie. Sorry you missed this World Cup man.

You can still be my date to the big dance in 2014 and 2018 though, OK bud?

No, Charlie, I didn’t mean it like that. No, we wouldn’t “go together” or anything. Geez. 

Where are you going? Aren’t you going to finish your stanky leg?

Charlie, you can run off if you like.

In fact, seeing you run is a gift you gave (and will keep giving) to US soccer fans.

Happy birthday bud.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields