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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Colin Clark Edition

The making of...The Host: Happy 26th birthday, Colin Clark. We have all gathered here in Denver near the Dick @ a Red Robin I discovered while visiting my in-laws in order to (1) savor some flavorful burgers (“Yum!”) and (2) celebrate the amazing soccer feats you have accomplished (with your feet) over the last 26 years. So, please take a seat and listen in while I toast your grand accomplishments and then set them ablaze with my raucous roast. OK, let’s begin.

The Toast: Colin, I must begin with your accomplishments off of the pitch, because they are what you should be known for. After all, you are known throughout the league as a humanitarian who sacrifices his time and hard earned dollars to help the less fortunate. Thank you. On the pitch, you’ve been dandy too. You earned your US call-up spending 70 games or so wreaking havoc on the wing for COL. You’ve scored 11 goals. Plus, your jersey number is 11.

The Roast: Now, anybody who knows me well knows I love the number 11. Seriously, am I right guys? Yeah, I am basically unhealthily obsessed with it. I even wish I had 11 fingers and toes. Hey, I’d rather be a freak with 11 then like most men with 10. Why do I love it? I have no idea. I get distracted thinking about it. Oh, everyone needs to go? OK, well I didn’t get to do my roast. I understand. It was the 11 thing again, wasn’t it. Yeah. Well happy birthday Colin.

What Colin? Your real birthday was yesterday?

Well, I’m sorry, I should have known that by now.

Wait… that means…

It was on the 11th!

Colin, have I ever told you how much I like the number 11?

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields