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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Boca Edition

The making of...The Host: Carlos Bocanegra, happy birthday buddy. Now now, calm down Carlos. I am not going to tell everyone how old you are like I do for all the other Nats because I know you are a little touchy when it comes to your age (geezer), so just chill. Instead I am going to roast you and toast you in front of your friends and fam at this restaurant near your team in Rennes: the Golden Corral. I was surprised they had a French franchise too. Tres surprised

The Toast: Carlos, you know what I said there because you speak French, but you also speak Spanish because you are one of the most famous Mexican-American soccer players ever. You have played in over 250 pro games (notching 15 goals from defense) and you have taken the pitch more than 75 times for the Nats (scoring 12 times). Why do you score more for the Nats more than you do for your pro clubs. Because you are clutch, Carlos. You are an assassin.

The Roast: On the soccer pitch, OK? Don’t get any ideas. I really don’t want to say anything too naughty about you Boca, my Captain. I mean, some people think I worship you like a God (and I will if you let me take communion). You know I wish nothing but the best for you. So, I won’t roast you just like I refused to roast DMB and Chingy yesterday. You guys have earned a pass. Now, when Jimmy C’s roast rolls around, that’s when we will break out the raunchy stuff.

Yeah, like all our awesome Wiz jokes referencing golden showers!

Um, wait. Sorry, I forgot we were @ Golden Corral. 

So, if no one else is hungry, let’s say happy birthday one last time to Boca!

And hey, Boca, one more thing:

Good luck.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields