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US Soccer Birthday Roast: Preview Edition

The making of...
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lance Shields

Hi kids! It’s me, your Uncle Yank! Don’t you remember me? Yeah, I guess I have been gone for quite a long time. Your mother told you what? Well, that isn’t entirely accurate. Actually, that dolphin pulled a blade first, so it was self-defense, not that Johnny Law cared or anything. Let’s talk about something else. What? Well, how about US Soccer?

After all, the 2010 World Cup is this year, so Americans’ soccer interest is at its highest level (which is still pretty low, I know). I thought maybe I could teach each of you kids about the current stars in the US. And what better time is there to discuss a person’s progression through life than on their birthday. So, I will be treating you to a strong, long series.

What’s that? You don’t get it? Here, just let me show you how it will work:  

The Host: In this space of each post, I will give you a brief synopsis of the life of the lucky birthday boy/girl. I plan on getting you caught up on their amazing feats both on the field (with their feet) and off of it. To make a long story short, I will let you know whose birthday we are celebrating, and why they are significant to US Soccer today.  

The Toast: In this area of each post, I will encourage us all to raise our glasses to the birthday boy/girl. I will enrapture you all with stories of their audacious accomplishments, and we will fondly remember their most brilliant performances. We may also ponder their potential in the future. So, I will basically be buttering the person up for…

The Roast: Ah, yes, the roast! This is why everyone came to this lame party in the first place, right? So, finally, at this juncture in every post, I will poke fun at the birthday boy/girl in a humorous (and sometimes obscene) way. I will try to embarass them – not because I dislike them – but because I love them so very, very much. Maybe too much. 

After all, I am throwing them each such a great birthday party, and I haven’t even told them. I guess these posts could end up being surprise parties for the US Soccer stars then. I don’t wish to offend anyone, but if I do, please know that it is all in jest. So, please come back to STO throughout 2010 to learn about the best US soccer players on their b-days.

P.S. Happy Birthday to Benny Feilhaber! Benny, because your b-day fell on the day of this preview, I will spare you the roast, but I must say, I do toast your recent efforts on behalf of the US team. I thought you were all washed-up after your failed stint in the EPL, but now I see you can still play some serious soccer. Have a great 25th year, Benny!