The Host: Kyle Beckerman, welcome to your birthday party, bud! How’s it feel to be 28? Same as 27? Really? OK, moving on, Kyle, we’ve all gathered here in Sandy, Utah (which is ironically not exceptionally sandy) to (1) visit the local Pringles factory (they say once you go on the tour once, you just can’t stop going over and over) and (2) celebrate the amazing feats you have performed with your feet and legendary dreads over the last 28 years.
The Toast: You were born with those dreads, right? No? You’re right, Kyle, I don’t think its possible for a baby to be born like that. Moving on again, let me toast your successes for everybody here to hear. Kyle, you earned your MLS Cup last season with RSL. You also put in several good years for the Colorado Rapids and even plied your trade back in the day for the Miami Fusion. You’ve played over 220 games in MLS and 10 for the Nats. You’re awesome.
The Roast: So how will I roast you? Well, Kyle, let me just say that you don’t score very much on the pitch, but you look like a guy who knows how to “score” off of it. I mean that in both nefarious ways it can be taken: (1) as a reference to your ability to procure drugs due to your legendary dreads and (2) as a reference to your ability to procure chicks due to your perfect performances on the pitch. Wait, was that a roast? I don’t think so. Ah, who cares. It’s 4:20.
You know what that means.
The Pringles tour is starting!
Happy birthday Kyle!