The Host: Alexi Lalas, you have taken a fair share of abuse from me over the years, but I have decided to make amends to you by throwing you a birthday bash. So, to celebrate US Soccer’s most famous ginger’s 40th birthday, we have all gathered here at our local Red Robin (“Yum”) to (1) have a hamburger with delicious onion straws on top and (2) honor you for the amazing feats you performed for the US MNT (with your feet no less) over the last four decades.
The Toast: You have done many amazing things for US Soccer, so it is a pitty that I mock you endlessly on this site. I will get to that in one second though. First, let me tell you I am impressed with your career stats for the Nats (96 caps and 9 goals) and your trophy case must be supersized to encompass your 1995 USA Player of the Year Award, MLS Cup, US Open Cup, etc. I make fun of you all the time for off-the-pitch stuff, but on the pitch you were a warrior.
The Roast: Yet, I must roast you, Alexi, and there is no easier way to do it then to bring up the bitter fact that you were the worst GM in MLS history. You will be remembered for overseeing the rebranding of every team you watched over, being fired more times than Donald Trump’s hair stylist, and trading Landon Donovan to LA for nothing (though you did get him back I guess when you ended up in LA years later, touche). In short, you were the worst GM ever.
But, it’s OK. You were still the inspiration for many gorgeous goatees.
And you toured with Hootie.
Does that mean you were one of the Blowfish?
Sorry bud, had to get that one in there.
Happy 40th birthday, Alexi. I love you man.