Everyone please take their seat. No talking! Please take out your scantron sheets and your #2 pencils. The Final Exam will commence momentarily. If you cheat, you will be red carded and given an F. If you completed the required reading and attended class, you should do fine. If you were stoned, you should still get an A.
No Jimmy, you don’t get extra points for being stoned…
QUESTION #1: During a soccer match, a coin flip can decide which of the following?
A. Which squad wins the game.
B. Which team attacks first in each half.
C. Which hooker lives or dies.
D. All of the Above.
QUESTION #2: Which restart allows the same player to kick the ball twice?
A. Goal kick.
B. Dropped ball.
C. None, unless Becks is involved and MLS needs the ratings.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #3: How far away can a defender stand from a player taking a throw in?
A. 5 ft.
B. 6 ft.
C. As close as he wants if he “can’t quit him”.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #4: Which of the following acts can result in a straight red card?
A. Dissent by word or action.
B. Denying an obvious goal scoring opportunity.
C. Killing the aforementioned hooker.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #5: The assistant referee is responsible for which task?
A. Acting as timekeeper.
B. Identifying when the ball is out of play.
C. Collecting the bribes (Italian soccer only…)
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #6: What is the result when a ball hits the ref in the face and goes in the net?
A. Dropped ball at spot the ball struck the ref.
B. A Goal.
C. Arabian sand goggles (look it up… no, wait, on second thought, don’t…)
D. All of the Above.
QUESTION #7: How is play restarted if a drunk fan steals the ball?
A. Free kick for team fan does not support.
B. Dropped ball.
C. Nobody told me I wasn’t allowed to streak on the field.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #8: Can a team wear singlets as uniforms?
A. Yes, so long as they conform to other regulations.
B. Never.
C. Only if they have the hips for it.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #9: When is a player permitted to leave the field without the ref’s permission?
A. When being replaced by a substitute.
B. After scoring a goal, but only briefly.
C. When dodging their ex-wives.
D. All of the Above
QUESTION #10: What is the result when a ball flies at a ref so fast, he catches it to protect himself?
A. Dropped ball.
B. Nothing, the game is live.
C. Frustration for fans. Castration for the ref.
D. All of the Above.
Please put your answers in the comments below and I will grade your papers. Well, unless I get too drunk, then I will just give everyone a B+. Never mind, I will just tell you, the answer to every question was (B), as in “(B)ut of course the answers were all the same, I told you I was a lazy teacher.” In any event, thank you for signing up for my class on the FIFA Official Laws of Soccer. I hoped you learned a lot about the beautiful game and can pass this knowledge on to others. Be kind in the teacher evaluations, please. Other than that, have a great summer and see you again next year.
