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The Golden Girls of US Soccer: Pilot Episode

Golden girl
Creative Commons License photo credit: Ernst Moeksis

The Girls: If you want to know whether someone truly loves soccer, show them the photograph above and then ask them this riddle: “Which is most beautiful: (A) the beautiful game, (B) the beautiful girl, or (C) the beautiful golden sunset?” If they are a false “football” fanatic, they will answer (A). If they are a horny little seahorse, they will answer (B). And if they are a lover of gorgeous scenery (aka “pothead”), they may even answer (C). But the true fan will choose all three. The answer is (D) all of the above, kids. Yep, the real soccer lover prefers a menage a trois of pleasures when beautiful girls play the beautiful game and achieve beautiful things under beautiful sunsets.  

The Gold: Where am I going with this? Well, I have crafted a truly fine series for you real soccer fans out there, and here is my premise. I am going to present unto you the five greatest US Women’s National Teams ever. I will tell you about each team’s best players, and the impressive way they played the beautiful game. I will also tell you about each team’s “golden” sunsets (i.e., how they went out as champions of their respective tourneys, sometimes with a gold medal). Finally, I will get giggity and talk about which girls not only had the skills on the pitch, but the sizzle off of it.  

The Giggity: OK, before you ladies out there get offended by my last category there, let me ask you this: “Can you honestly tell me that you don’t like watching sports partially due to the sheer dreaminess of some of the superstars, like Tom Brady, Derek Jeter, and – back in the day – “Thunder” Dan Majerle?” I know lots of girls who say they love sports, but don’t understand a lick about them. How can they put up with watching them so much? Well, at least sports satisfies their sweet tooth for man candy. So, with that being laboriously said (and, yeah, I’m probably still a sexist), let me say, there have been many, many beautiful girls on the US WNT. The sexy stars are too many to count.

And – yes – every girl who has been on the team has been beautiful in at least one way.

How do I know for sure?

Well, because they have been talented enough to play for the women’s team that plays the beautiful game better than any other women’s team in world history. Seriously, a couple of generations of girls from the US have now proven their dominance on the international level, and I know their daughters are going to kick some serious booty as well. This series is slated to be released very slowly, with one team profiled every two months or so. So please come back to STO often in the hopes of catching a glimpse of the Golden Girls of US Soccer.