The goatee is probably my favorite form of facial hair other than the hirsute hobo beard. It’s a cool look that can be formed by growing a long tuft of hair on the chin. In modern times, it has become acceptable to grow the ‘stache in concert with “the goat”, to create what is known as “the Van Dyck” after a 17th Century Flemish painter.

Well, that’s me with the Van Dyck there, and I think it looks damn good. As much as I liked it though, I had to just keep shaving. Why? Well, though I was fond of it, I just don’t think I could pull it off. It takes a real cool cat to wear a goatee. Think about it. Spock’s evil doppleganger had one. So did Shaggy on Scooby Doo. You have to be “the man” to wear “the goat”.

The “goatee” was given it’s awesome name because it looks like the hair on a goat’s chin. Goats are, perhaps, the most chill animals God ever created. I am surprised they even made it on Noah’s Ark because I like to imagine they sit around chewing on psychedelic leaves all day (I am not an animal expert). So, with that in mind, it is only fitting who I believe has the greatest goatee, and yes, the greatest facial hair in the history of soccer.

Alexi Lalas.

You knew it had to be him, didn’t you? I have talked so much trash about Alexi on this site, it is only fitting I extend him one great honor. So, Mr. Lalas, it is with great pleasure that I award you the fictional trophy for greatest facial hair in soccer history. Your goat was huge. It was beautiful. It was ginger.

It was, simply, perfect.

Alexi was a fantastic defender for the US MNT and one of the first players from the states to make it in Serie A, so I bear no ill will toward him as a player. As a GM, I think he was miserable. In fact, let me give you an analogy to show how I feel about his GM skills.

Alexi the player = Alexi’s goatee

Alexi the GM = Hitler’s ‘stache

I said it. Deal with it.

All in all, I just don’t think there was ever a player with more creative facial hair, and maybe that’s why I love Alexi’s goat. Well, that and the fact he’s a ginger like me. But, to make a long story short, I think Alexi’s goatee deserves the honor of the best facial hair in soccer history. My own goat wasn’t anywhere near as great as his, but, in my defense, I didn’t put the years… no… decades into it that he did.

So, thank you for coming along with me on my jaunt through the history of facial hair in soccer. We have now seen the five best ever variations: (1) the Lalas “gargantuan goatee”, (2) the Breitner “bountiful bush”, (3) the Valderrama “holy handlebar”, (4) the Voller “majestic mustache”, and (5) the Socrates “beautiful beard”.

I hope you have enjoyed learning about these great players and their facial hair, and I hope I didn’t scare the bejesus out of you all with the pictures of my ugly mug. Until we meet again, please keep coming back to STO for all the best soccer news, commentary and analysis on the interwebs. And as for facial hair varieties, I have only one tip:

Grow ’em if you got ’em.