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The Third Best Facial Hair In Soccer History

The handlebar mustache is the only one I would be caught dead wearing. I like it immensely, though I admit it makes the wearer look like he (1) just came from a NASCAR race, (2) probably owns a Harley Davidson, and (3) likely will appear on an upcoming episode of To Catch A Predator.

It’s sort of a “dirty” look, but that’s probably why it’s sweet.

The handlebar was first popularized by members of the British armed forces, though later it would become one of the defining looks of the cowboys of America’s Wild West. Our nation’s fattest president, William Howard Taft, rocked a hearty handlebar mustache, and it made him look like a stud. Well, a super fat stud, anyways.

As you can see from the picture above, I did not opt for the “full” handlebar ‘stache, but rather the more traditional one that barely curls past the lips. I actually went for the full one first, and I even nailed it despite the high degree of difficulty, but I looked so much like a member of the Village People, I immediately kept shaving.

The best traditional handlebar mustache in soccer history belongs to my beloved former Tampa Bay Mutiny player, Carlos Valderrama. Of course, Valderrama is better known for his ridiculous hair, but I think his ‘stache gets far too little credit for contributing to his overall outrageous ensemble. So, his lengthy ‘stache deserves recognition here.

Valderrama captained Colombia during three World Cups and he is the most capped player in the nation’s history. While his blond perm has outshined his sweet ‘stache for decades, I think it’s time for that graspable part of his world’s greatest look to take center stage. So, I am putting his traditional handlebar here at #3. He wears it too well not to.