I’ll admit it up front. This is my favorite of the bunch. The “hobo beard”. It’s the look that says: I don’t really care for shaving at all. Ever. In fact, this look perhaps shows a total hatred of the razor industry altogether. People with a fear of beards, pogonophobiacs, despise this form of facial hair more than all others.
But, in my mind, this is it. This is why you grow facial hair in the first place (i.e. so you don’t have to shave). It saves you time. It doesn’t irritate your skin. It is a thing of beauty and a Utilitarian’s dream. Of course, it doesn’t help you too much with the ladies, so many folks don’t go for it today. But, I’m married, so I had a chance to try it out.
I hope all other men have the same opportunity. Imagine it. No shaving… at all. Not even to clean the sucker up and keep it tight. Just let it grow. It’s natural. It’s perfect. It’s how, I like to think, God intended a man to look. That’s why it’s known as the “proper beard”. Because it’s only proper to grow one, though modern society apparently disagrees.
So, who has had the greatest hobo beard in the history of the game of soccer? It’s a tough one to narrow down, as there have been many men who played the beautiful game with bountiful beards. I was tempted to go with Argentine Sergio Batista here. His beard was, after all, historic. But, only one man deserves the honor of best hobo beard.
It has to be Paul Breitner. The German had perhaps the best beard in the history of soccer. Like the man himself, the beard was wild and unruly. He played professionally for over two decades, mostly with Bayern Munich and Real Madrid. He won many titles, which earned him many fans, but his “leftist” ideas also earned him many enemies.
I hesitated about putting Breitner here for one reason. In 1981, Breitner accepted an ungodly amount of money from a company to (gasp!) shave off his beautiful beard. His decision outraged many of his fans, but since he had won a World Cup and was a national hero, they eventually forgave him. I bet his beard never did though.