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STO Soccer Film Review: Soccer Dog – European Cup

When I heard they had made a sequel to the original Soccer Dog, and that it would focus on the European Cup, I almost decided to drive to Hollywood, find a psychiatrist, and take him to the suits who greenlit the second film. Did the original Soccer Dog leave loose ends that needed a sequel to tie them up? Of course not. The second film was even more poorly made than the original (mostly because it has no Ms. d’Abo). But, the sequel may be so bad it’s good.

I have never seen a more poorly made mainstream film than Soccer Dog – European Cup (2004), which sort of makes it fun to watch. My main criticism of the film is the reason why the film is so bad, yet simultaneously hilarious: it’s set in Scotland. Now, I know we Yanks have some stupid ideas about foreigners and we like to think of them as fitting our preconceived stereotypes (as they do us), but whoever wrote this film doesn’t know much about Scotland. Or soccer.

So, many of the characters are supposed to be Scots, but none of the actors playing them are, in fact, Scottish. Thus, the film is, if nothing else, the finest collection of bad Scottish accents ever compiled. Also, whoever was the costume designer was obviously under the impression that all Scottish men still wear kilts (which they don’t unless they are at an event that calls for it). Finally, in one scene, a vendor at a soccer game is going through the crowd selling haggis.

Seriously? That’s like making a movie about us where we all talk like idiots, wear blue jeans everywhere, and eat nothing but fast food. Wait a minute, that hypothetical movie actually sounds more realistic. Well, anyways… To make a long story short, Soccer Dog – European Cup makes no sense. It’s only set in Scotland (so the rest of Europe isn’t involved) and there’s no cup. All in all, this film is probably the worst of the three, which is really saying a lot.

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