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STO Red Cleat Diaries: Preview Edition

Back when I was a strapping young lad still becoming a man, there was a certain cable channel (Showtime) that aired this ridiculous show called Red Shoe Diaries. The show definitely contained “Strong Sexual Content” and “Nudity”, which made it all the more appealing to its star, David Duchovny. Now, this post (and the series that will follow it) isn’t really about that show. But, in a way, that show and this series will be similar. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, the show was basically just softcore porn with oddly shot scenes of Duchovny interspliced. The idea behind Red Shoe Diaries was that Duchovny was this really messed up guy who had lost the love of his life to another man (and, subsequently, her suicide). So, he placed a personal ad in the local paper looking for love, and these women send him their stories of sex, betrayal, etc. He starts to read the stories on the beach and then the porn begins. Bingo!  

It was more erotic than your average porno. All I know is when I was a kid, it made me feel weird. It aroused my attention, and – ahem – other stuff too. It was all about fantasies. It explored many of the “What If?” questions we have in life. Lately, I have found myself wondering about the answers to some of these “What If?” questions. Like, for example: “What if some of America’s top athletic talents had decided to take up soccer instead of some other sport”?

I mean, what if Adrian Peterson had spent more time on the pitch rather than with the pigskin?

What if all of America’s greatest athletes had trained exclusively in soccer? How amazing would our World Cup teams be then? After all, most of our soccer competitors at the Cup (aka “the guys who have historically dominated us”) come from countries where soccer is king. In America, cash is king and you don’t make nearly as much playing for the Crew as you do for playing for A-Rod’s Crew. So, our best athletes are poached by football, baseball, and basketball.

And even sometimes – gulp – hockey. That’s right, soccer fans. All around us our potential striker phenoms are being converted into running backs, and our future shut-down sweepers are learning to play middle linebacker. Our awesome GKs? Probably either @ TE or DE. We need to be encouraging more of our good athletes (and we have a ton of them) to explore soccer. We need youth leagues to experience another renaissance. We need to ensure we have the best team we can.

So, that is why over the next few days (and maybe again at some point in the undetermined future) I will be presenting you with STO’s Red Cleat Diaries, which will be short posts that question what would have happenened if some of the best athletes in the US had chosen soccer over their preferred (and likely far more remunerative) professions. I will fantasize about how Uncle Sam’s best performers could have helped us on the pitch. Why?

I have no idea? Other than the whole “fantasy” aspect, this has nothing to do with Red Shoe Diaries either, does it? I suppose this entire series preview post is an example of why you should never start a new series when you are already exhausted and ready for bed, but… Wait, that’s it! This series is for when you are “ready for bed”, so I have nailed it. Yes, “nailed it”, pun intended. Wow, these puns are coming easy, it isn’t even hard. What’s wrong with me? 

Even I am offended now. Not by the bawdiness of it mind you, but the lack of real humor. I apologize. To make it up to you, I will be treating you to my “mantasies” about which US athletes in the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL (eh, probably not), and wherever else (I’m looking at you, PBA) would have been awesome for the US National Soccer Team. It won’t be as erotic as Red Shoe Diaries, but I promise you this:  

I’ll always put a little Duchovny in it.

Yes, that’s what she said.