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President’s Day Soccer Pardons…

06.04.03 Mount Rushmore Monument
Creative Commons License photo credit: dean.franklin

Pursuant to Article II, Section 2 of the United States Constitution, the President of the United States can bust your ass out of prison. That’s right, the POTUS (if you’re into that whole brevity thing) can pardon you of any offense under the sun (except impeachment, and I’m not lying). Who would you let off the hook if you had that power? Your spouse? Your deadbeat dad? How about that guy who took the fall for you when you killed a man in Reno just to watch him die?

If you think about it, letting the Prez bail out his buddies (guys he has nicknames for, like “Scooter”) is one of the ridiculous aspects of our government. It really is proof that it is good to know people in high places. I think the presidential pardon was a sham that was introduced to the document by the drafters simply because they knew that – as forefathers of our country – the president would always have to pardon them no matter what they did.

That’s right, Ben Franklin himself said that the pardon power was “subject to assiduous abuse”, but then again he also scoffed at Thomas Jefferson when the Ginger of Virginia suggested he couldn’t beat a woman to death for reminding him that it was a Wednesday. Such was the moral dilemma that faced our forefathers. Anyways, I don’t think the pardon power is good for democracy, but it appears to be good for some people’s politics, so it is here to stay.

If I was President of Soccer (and who says I am not, since after all I did run unopposed), I would pardon David Beckham for befriending Tom Cruise and turning tail and running back to Europe every chance he gets. I would also pardon Landon Donovan for his 2006 World Cup performance because I think he has reformed himself and is ready to rejoin the society of star strikers. I would pardon Jimmy Conrad for being so dreamy, and yes…

I would even pardon Alexi Lalas for everything he ever did as a GM.

Um – and – everything he did with Hootie and the Blowfish.

Eh, who am I kidding, I would set all gingers free!

Happy President’s Day, Mr. President. Enjoy your day off (if you got one) everyone else!