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New Year Baby’s Resolutions For US Soccer Stars

Hey, how’s it going? I’m the New Year’s Baby. Aren’t I adorable? Of course I am. I’m a freaking baby. Well, anyways, I would like to share some of the New Year’s Resolutions I have come up with for three US Soccer stars. Now, I know what you are thinking: “Yeah right, kid, you can’t even wipe your own ass, but you are going to tell three of the best athletes in the US how to play the beautiful game?” I sure am. I can do it. It’s easy, like taking candy from a baby.

Landon Donovan, this one’s for you. In 2010, you can’t afford to steer the US to another poor World Cup performance. If you did, you would cry like a baby. As for you Freddy Adu, get motivated and get on the field in Africa. Well, I guess that one is also a resolution for Bob Bradley. Bob, I know Adu hasn’t been the model student, but please do not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Wait a minute, that idiom made no sense. Ah, it’s not my fault, I’m just a baby.

Mia Hamm, your resolution should be to get back into playing shape and take the pitch in the WPS. You were the best, and you could still be darn good. You are not that old. It’s not like you are a baby-boomer or something. Even if you can only provide Wizards-era MJ like results, the butts you will put in the seats will keep coming back to see all of the future incarnations of you. And there are a lot of them. Like thousands. I may be just a baby, but even I know that.

So, if these US Soccer stars would just abide by these resolutions, they would have a much happier 2010 and their legacy would grow leaps and bounds. At the end of each day, they could sleep like a baby. Which reminds me, I need to be heading off to the crib myself now. I have a super busy day tomorrow. In addition to tummy time, I expect I will play with my stuffed animal Leo the Lion for at least 45 minutes. He is as soft as a baby’s bottom. And I would know.