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MLS April Fools Headlines I’d Like To See

Although it is not “technically” a holiday, April Fools Day is being celebrated in several countries around the world today. On this date, we have all decided it is socially acceptable to play pranks on our friends and try to hoax our co-workers. We will all probably try to embarass some poor gullible schmuck at some point during the next 24 hours.

So, I have taken it upon myself to draft completely fake headlines for each MLS team in the April Fool’s tradition. If you sent an e-mail to a supporter of one of these teams with this headline in the subject box, the hope would be that they would choke on their gum at the sheer insanity of the news before realizing that it was just a goof.

Well, no, we don’t want anyone to actually choke, so use these wisely.

So, without further ado (or further Freddy Adu, RSL fans), here are my April Fool’s Day MLS Headlines:


Chicago Fire: “Blanco Receives MLS Humanitarian Award”

Columbus Crew: “Sigi Misses Cowtown Pizza, Begs To Return To Ohio” 

DC United: “Soehn Resigns, Cites Poor Performance As Reason” 

Kansas City Wizards: “Jimmy Conrad: Yes, I’m Gay and Dreamy”

NE Revolution: “Nicol Turns To Marv Levy For Advice” 

NY Red Bulls: “Altidore Returns to Red Bulls, Says Money Is No Object”

Toronto FC: “Johnston Refuses To Listen To Trade Offer”


Chivas USA: “Goats Win Fair Play Award”

Colorado Rapids: “Mastroeni Scores Goal”

FC Dallas: “Burn Teammates Tired Of Carrying Cooper”

Houston Dynamo: “Houston To Share MLS Cups With San Jose”

LA Galaxy: “Galaxy Win”

Real Salt Lake: “Beckerman: Utah’s Weed Is The Bomb”

SJ Earthquakes: “Huckerby Admits HGH & Steroid Use”

Seattle Sounders: “Co-Owner Carey To Start At Left Back” 

So, those are my completely (un)authentic headlines for you to use to surprise your friends with on April Fools Day. Does anyone have any others to add? If so, let me hear about them in the comments. Otherwise, thanks for coming to STO. Today is our last day on the interwebs as we are shutting down for lack of interest. It was fun! Thanks.

April Fools!