Phil? Hey Phil? Phil! Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you! Hey, hey, now don’t tell me you don’t remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you! Ned… Ryerson. “Needlenose Ned”? “Ned the Head”? Come on buddy! Case Western High. Ned Ryerson. I did the whistling belly button trick at the high school talent show? Bing! Ned Ryerson! Got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn’t graduate? Bing again! Come on!
I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple times, until you told me not to…
How have you been buddy? Oh, you’ve been living the same day over and over again, eh? Sounds pretty boring. Want to accompany me to Gobbler’s Knob? Why? Come on Phil, you know it’s Groundhog Day! It’s still just once a year (except for you buddy). Oh man, it’s so good to see you! This is the greatest day of my life. I know buddy, it’s not so good for you I hear. You look bleak man. Need any life insurance? Because if you do, you could always use a little more, right?
But you know something? I got the feeling that you ain’t got any. Am I right? Or am I right? Right right?
So, you say you’ve been living the same day over and over? Sounds like the US Soccer team, reliving the same failed World Cup over and over if you ask me. Huh? What Phil? You say you’re a god? Well, OK ol’ buddy. You know, the US Soccer team doesn’t have any “gods” on it. You can take my word for it, this is 12 years of Catholic school talking (why I am I Andie MacDowell now?). If you say otherwise, you are out of your gourd (now I am Chris Elliott too… gross).
In fact, the US squad’s past performances at the World Cup haven’t just been bad, they have been like a long winter. Yep, they have been like a winter that never ends. A winter that is cold, gray, and is going to last for the rest of your life. But, I sure as heckfire think the US can finally break free from this winter. Huh? I know, I know, that’s a pretty bold prediction for yours truly. But, hey, they didn’t call me “Ned the Head” for nothing.
Punxsutawney Phil may not always be right with his predictions, but old “Needlenose Ned” is never wrong. That large squirrel may not always be able to predict the weather, but I think the US has the pieces (Howard, Donovan, Dempsey, Altidore, etc.) to finally make a run at the Cup. I like their chances. But, yeah, some people like blood sausage too. Some people are morons, I get it Phil. I still think the US finally has a chance at immortality.
I can tell you disagree Phil. You think we will see our shadow again.
Well, we may not win it all, but if we do, it will be the end of a VERY long day, won’t it Phil. I sure as heckfire would like to see us win, but then again I would also love to see you and I get some pina coladas and lobster and make love at sunset like sea otters. Sorry Phil. That was uncalled for. I just wanted to say “hello” and let you know that I do think the US can break its Groundhog Day-like curse at the World Cup. That’s right woodchuck-chuckers, the US can win it all!
But those guys need to remember that when they shoot, they need to aim high.
After all, I don’t want them to hit the groundhog.