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2010 World Cup Preview: Japan

The brothers
Creative Commons License photo credit: Peter Hellberg

The Team: Mario & Luigi are two of the most famous Italian stereotypes to lodge into minds all over the globe. They are in the same league as the Mafia Don (whether Fat Tony or Fat Tony Soprano), Chef Boyardee, “That’s a Spicy Meat-a-Ball Guy”, Rocky Balboa, Mama Lucia, and each and every one of those miserable meatheads and fake-baked bitches on Jersey Shore. Japan may have created Mario and Luigi (competing names Sacco & Vanzetti were quickly nixed).

But, here in America, we have loved them like family. 

The Cream: After all, I think we all spent more time in the company of the Mario Bros. than our actual brothers on occasion when we were little. Thus, they are sort of like everyone’s weird Italian uncles. Uncles who can travel through pipes into alternate worlds where they have to fight Goombas (um, “goombah“, why is my Nintendo trying to engender anti-Italian sentiment?). What am I talking about? Wasn’t this post supposed to be about a soccer team?

The Dream: Video games are distracting even when you are not playing them, I guess. Here’s my ten-second take on Japan’s team. They have a few playmakers, like Nakamura, Nakazawa, and that speedy mid-sized Honda (no joke). But they don’t have the defense and I just don’t think they have destiny on their side. I am putting their odds of winning the Cup at 200:1. Their team is too green to reign supreme in South Africa. They can’t just show up and expect to star.  

Don’t forget, Mario didn’t get his own game first. He paid his dues in Donkey Kong.

Plus, he was strangely a carpenter instead of a plumber. Yep, he worked with wood, just like Jesus. Mario may actually be more crafty than Jesus because Jesus never had to practice his whittling while avoiding a 1,000 lb. gorilla. I’m just saying, Mario wins that round, even if he loses the eventual war. Anyone remember that movie with Hoskins and Leguizamo? I wish I could forget it. Dennis Hopper was creepy in it though (but when is Hopper not creepy?).

If you are still reading, I’m sorry.

This post was harder to understand than a Japanese game show.