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Doc Brown’s 2014 World Cup Predictions

121gigawats2small5rzGreat Scott, Marty!

It’s me once again, Doctor Emmitt Brown… and I am back… from the FUTURE!

I have recently returned from the year 2014 where I watched the thrilling World Cup Final between… What’s that Marty? You want to know who killed JR on Dallas? But you don’t need to have gone to the future to know the answer to that question! All you need is a DVD player and the final season on Blu-Ray. What’s Blu-Ray? Is that what you just asked me Marty? Jesus H. Christ, Marty, stop interrupting me! Let me just tell you about the next World Cup. OK?

So, anyways, as I was saying before you spewed 1.21 gigawatts of idiocy all over my nifty (yet likely unnecessary) bullet-retardant adult onesie, I just got back from the 2014 Cup, and – let me tell you – I saw some serious shit. No lying, Marty, I saw some things that were so spectacular even Mary Steenburgen in her prime couldn’t compete with them. What’s that? You want to know how the US team did Marty? Well, why don’t you just let me get to that. Geez.

Well Marty, to tell you the truth, they did pretty darn good. I won’t tell you they won it all (because they didn’t), but I will say that some crafty vets named Donovan, Dempsey and Howard turned in fine performances and some of the players in their prime like Altidore, Bradley and Edu looked top notch. But the best of all was Charlie Davies, who put on a show for the US supporters that brought many to tears. Why are you crying Marty? You weren’t there.

Oh, it has nothing to do with Davies, huh, you just realized you should have never made For Love or Money. I know, Marty, how could you have known Gabriel Anwar would phone it in. Yeah, I hear you. Also, bud, you should have known no one plays a concierge better than Hector Elizondo in Pretty Woman. Why on Earth were you trying to compete with that Cuban acting prodigy? Seriously? Did you know he wins 12 consecutive Oscars from 2011-2023?

Anywho, back to my story about the Cup. What Marty? You are interrupting again? Oh, I see, you just want me to tell you who wins so you can bet it heavily like your gambling bedfellow Biff. Shame on you Marty. I am sure you would like to know who wins the 2014 World Cup (which incidentally has the same Enchantment Under the Sea theme as your parents’ high school dance)? I really shouldn’t tell you, so I will instead show you this PowerPoint on the issue. 

Slide A please Einstein. See this graph Marty? OK, if my calculations are correct, and they are 90% verifiable 22% of the time, the team that will hoist the Jules Rimet at the 2014 World Cup will be none other than…

Holy Niels Bohr!

Is that those Libyan terrorists again? What do you mean “Where?”, Marty, they are right freaking over there in that van at the In N’ Out Burger. Man, how do they keep locating me? Oh yeah, that’s right. I drive a De Lorean and look like I have just undergone about a decade of electromagnetic shock therapy. Plus, Marty, in case you didn’t know, I am really Christopher Lloyd and I am kind of a big deal. What’s that Marty? You have never seen my work? What? 

How is that possible? During the ’80s and early ’90s I was in every movie! 

What? You only watch movies with John Lithgow in them? Really?

Come on Einstein. We need to speed 88 mph away from this freak. Listen, Marty, it’s been great catching up with you and all, but I really need to get out of here. Yeah, those terrorists over there are going to come to kill us and then there was also that completely asinine thing you just said about Lithgow. He couldn’t carry my dramatic jockstrap Marty. What Marty? Yes, I am wearing one. Aren’t you? What about the one I gave you for Christmas last year?

Oh, those terrorists have their burgers now and look like they are making their way to the van. I really must go Marty. No, Marty, sorry, you can’t come with us. Einstein likes to stretch out in the back and the passenger side is already occupied. You want to know who I have in there Marty? Who will be going with me to the future? I bet you would. I bet you would like to meet him too. After all, it is Sir John Lithgow, your favorite actor. No, Marty, you can’t see him.

I am taking him some place you will never see him again. That’s right Marty, I am dropping Lithgow off in the freaking Cretaceous Period because you have hurt my feelings so. No, Marty, you can’t make it better by promising to play with my model trains with me. Not this time. This one cut me too deep. It’s time we go. In fact, I think I have stayed too long, sort of like this post. What’s a post Marty? Seriously, you don’t know. Nevermind. Your hopeless McFly.

Goodbye Marty! See you in the… FUTURE!!!

Or it could be the past. Ah, nevermind. 

I’ll see you when I see you.  

Creative Commons License photo credit: scottobear

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