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Say It Ain’t So, Bono

Some call him a saint.  Others consider him a god.  But to me all Bono really should be recognized as is a complete jackass.

Now I have no beef with celebrities giving back to society and helping fight poverty in third world countries.  And to be honest in the modern day it is hard to find many celebrities who truly do care more about such things then their own tweets and TV spots, but has there ever been a humanitarian as inhuman as Mr. Bono appears to be?

I mean it is one thing to unselfishly give your time and your wealth away to such things, but it is another thing to do so while making sure the camera is rolling and the lighting is perfect.  I mean can’t you give back to the world in a little bit more modest and private of a way?  And what’s the deal with the humanitarian pose?  Look at him.  He can’t help making that Mother Teresa face even in a drawn picture.

Anyway when the World Cup commercials recently began airing I was disappointed to say the least to hear the biggest #2 in the world’s voice highlighting the history of football in South Africa.  I realize Bono has given a lot of time and money to African nations, but the fact remains that the guy is Irish.  And although his nation was screwed out of the Cup this year that doesn’t mean he can just adopt a new nation.

All that I am saying is that Bono’s knowledge of South African football in a historical context is about as good as my knowledge of the Twilight series.  In other words it is non-existent.

Here is a list of people I think really deserve the chance of a voice over in a South African themed football commercial:

Morgan Freeman– Although Freeman is in fact American, he did recently play a South African icon in a film and the guy uses his voice for every other commercial on TV.  He gets my pick.  The guy could make what he ate for lunch sound riveting.

Charlize Theron– At least she is South African and at least most of us have seen her naked.  This doesn’t mean she is more worthy of being the voice of the World Cup, but to be honest it doesn’t hurt her chances either.  But we will probably need to see her for this to happen.

David Beckham– I’m not a huge fan of the Brit, but at least he is directly involved in the sport and is probably considered the most recognized footballer in the world.  Besides his World Cup days have officially ended and Sir Goldenballs should soon be moving onto the other side of the football fence as an endorser.  Only rule is no Tom Cruise please.

James Earl Jones–  Seriously who would win in a fight?  Bono or Darth Vader.  Much like Freeman the guy is well known for his booming voice and ability to dramatise such a big event.  The guy made Field of Dreams a classic and you don’t really hear too much about Mr. Vader anymore.

Anthony Hopkins- He isn’t from South Africa and he doesn’t have any real connection to the game of football.  In other words he has a lot in common with Bono.  But at least he is aware of the fact that he is an actor. Zing!

Leonardo DiCaprio– Leo played a South African in the film Blood Diamond and the former Titanic star is well known for mingling with celebrities and sports stars alike.  But can we convince him to bring back his terrible South African accent for the sake of the commercial.  I wouldn’t bet on it.

Abigail Clancy– She really has no right making the list, but she is so fine that it sure would be fun to bring her into the studio just to stare at her for a bit.  Mrs. Peter Crouch also has a closer connection to the sport then Bono does too.  But she is still more camera shy than Mr. Bono.

Fred Schneider– You’re probably thinking who in the heck is Schneider, but you probably know him as the front man for the B52’s all of those years ago.  Yes, he is a crossbreed of Elton John and a crystal meth addict, but I still like his flair.  He does like to rhyme everything he says which would be annoying, but the guy does have a car the size of a whale and he is about to set sail.  To South Africa.