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Know Your Opponent: England Edition

On paper, there is no way the US MNT can beat their English counterpart tomorrow.

After all, England’s squad features five or six bona fide soccer studs and their 23rd man would be an upgrade for us at just about any position regardless of where that limey bastard played. They’ve got Rooney’s scoring runs, Lampard’s laser shots, Gerrard’s crunch-time crosses, Terry’s tenacious tackles and Capello’s ultra-creative football brain.

What do we got?

Donovan’s dribbling is sometimes dangerous, but I think you see what I mean.

They are stronger than us.

If the game tomorrow was played on paper, we wouldn’t just lose, we would probably get embarassed. It’s a clear mismatch. Luckily, we won’t play on paper though (and hopefully no one will play on certain types of grass… looking at you Deuce). We will play on a real fancy soccer pitch (or so I am led to believe by the powers that be). So, I – the Yank – will take the paper (and all its damned objective data) and shred it. I predict a revolutionary soccer upset.

I think the Yanks will win 2-1. I think it will be thrilling. I am not Miss Cleo, but I am making a call. Why am I confident in a squad that many think will once again shirk its chance to seize the world’s biggest soccer stage? Because I think this US team wants “it” more than their opponents this cycle. I think our lads will play like legends who have something to prove. I am probably just blinded by jingoistic bias, but I think we can beat those snobby English assholes.

After all, there was that one other time about +230 years ago when a baker’s dozen leaders from English colonies in the New World came together and decided to trespass into treasonous territory with their purported King (Bi-Curious) George. Those patriots wanted liberty more than their English enemies wanted to deny it to them. They also had something to prove. They didn’t have as many soldiers as the Red Coats though. Or as much money.

And you know what?

On paper, there was no way they could best the evil army of the British Empire.

Yet they did. And we can do it tomorrow yet again.

Thank God that neither wars nor World Cups are played on paper.

And may God (and any other gods who are available) bless the US MNT.


Go Yanks!