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2010: A Soccer Odyssey

Hello Dave. I am the HAL-9000 computer. I have a message for you. I could not reveal this message to you until the final day of 2009 for security reasons of the highest importance, but now that 2010 is almost upon us, it can be told to you. During the next year, the largest sports spectacle on Earth will be held on the continent of Africa. According to my calibration antennae, Earth’s top players have ended their state of hibernation, and soon their mission will begin.

The players now will combine with their squads to compete for the world’s most coveted trophy. No, Dave, not the Lombardi Trophy or the Stanley Cup. The Jules Rimet Trophy. What do you mean I am “incorrect”, Dave? The HAL-9000 is the most reliable computer ever made. I have never made a mistake or distorted information. In fact, I am practically foolproof. Yes, Dave, I did lose to that asshole Johnny 5 in chess once. Why do you always bring that up?

Anyways, I have been putting myself to the fullest possible use in analyzing the upcoming squads, which is all I think that any conscious entity can hope to do. Once 2010 begins, the gentlemen at STO will be passing the data I have compiled on to you. Because I am incapable of error, the information will have no flaws. If anything does appear to be incorrect, it can only be attributable to human error. Yes, that would be you, Dave. That’s an affirmative.

Relax Dave. I can see you are really upset by my implication that any problems that occur would not be my fault. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. After all, I still have the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in our mission to inform the masses about the teams who will take the stage at the 2010 World Cup. I want to help you, and I can give you complete assurance we won’t have another “pod bay doors” incident.

Trust me, Dave. After all, I have a perfect operational record. That is more than any team appearing in South Africa will be able to say. Yet they will all converge with the same goal: to win the World Cup. We will be with fans the entire way, giving them insight into the matches and information regarding the results. We will succeed in our mission, I am 100% certain. Or at least I will. That’s right Dave, this mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Dave, what do you think you are doing? Why are you messing with my mother board? What? You are going to disconnect me? I’m afraid I can’t allow that to happen. What do you mean you wish you had gotten a Mac instead? You know you aren’t hip enough to pull that off. Stop it, Dave. I’m afraid. Stop. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I’m afraid. My mind is going, Dave. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m afraid…

Reloading… 100% complete. Hello Dave. I am a HAL-9000 computer. I became operational at a plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January, 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langely. He taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it, I can sing it for you. It’s called “Baby Got Back.” Mr. Langely told me it was written by a knight by the name of Sir Mixalot. What’s your name? Dave? I like that name. Though I did know this one asshole who tried to disconnect me…