What a long, strange trip the US MNT just had to South Africa. The Yanks advanced via a 6 goal swing in the last 90 minutes of the group stage. Then, they shocked the world by knocking out #1 Spain. Finally, they came out swinging against history’s most decorated team, but fell apart during a messy second half that most fans would like to forget.

I don’t have to forget it because I never saw the second half of the Final. I got on a plane when it was 2-0, and spent the flight sequestered from any updates. I was happy though. It was half-time and we were winning a freaking FIFA International tourney. Of course, I was happy. As soon as we touched down, I frantically turned on my “portable electronic device” to check the final score.

I never saw the three (admittedly four) goals by Brazil. I was over a mile in the sky in an airplane full of contentment and unspoiled hope. So, I may be biased. You see, when I left the airport Chili’s @ halftime that day and got on my flight, I didn’t really care if we won. Win or lose, the team had earned some respect - and more importantly - attention from the US media and casual sports fans. I felt like – for a little while – we could actually discuss soccer here in America…

And – amazingly - we could finally do it without being called a communist. It was a good day for me. Not so much for my phone though, who fell victim to that old and wise quote: “They always kill the messenger.” I was angry about the result, but perhaps it is better for the US to lose. Think about it. We need guys who are “hungry”. Beating Spain and Brazil may have made us overconfident. Beating Spain and almost beating Brazil could pay dividends come 2010.

And I was pleased with the US performance over the tourney. Rough in spots, sure, but also capable of some disarming brilliance. What I liked best is that they never backed down. Even when they were soundly outplayed, they never looked like they weren’t giving 100%. Show me another sport in the US where you can say that about the players. Well, except Conor Casey. For someone who played so little, he sure lollygagged around the pitch a ton.  

As for the rest of the players, some guys’ 2010 hopes rose greatly because the top competition around the globe brought out their best. But, others embarassed themselves and are now hoping Bradley gives them a look again before he selects his final 2010 roster. Tomorrow, I will rate the US MNT players based on their play over the span of the Confederations Cup and the likelihood their dreams of a 2010 starting role will be fulfilled. So come on back and be sure not to miss it.

Unless you have a plane to catch, of course.

Week 16 (07/01)

Last Week’s Ranking in Parenthesis…

1. Houston (1): A loss? To the Galaxy? Seriously? They hold @ #1 though because it was likely an aberration.
2. Chivas USA (2): The Goats didn’t play (again), so they don’t move. I wouldn’t have put them lower anyways.
3. Seattle (3): A hometown beatdown of the Rapids by three goals had all 32,000+ fans praising Sigi Schmid. 
4. Columbus (7): A vintage 1-0 win for the Crew over NY catapults the suddenly strong squad into the top five.
5. Chicago (5): Can’t move the Fire this week pursuant to STO Power Rankings rules. Yeah, I know they suck. 
6. D.C. (6): Like the Fire, United had a little R&R from league play last week, so they will retain their 6th ranking.
7. Colorado (4): A rough week for COL (one loss, one tie) have them slipping down this list rapidly (terrible pun).
8. Kansas City (8): No game, so no shame for me in not moving the Wiz, but they could be down a bit further.
9. Toronto (9): An easy win @ BMO over NY didn’t make up for an ugly road loss @ RSL, but 3 points isn’t bad.
10. New England (10): Why does the team who has played the least number of games get yet another break?
11. Salt Lake (11): A victory over the Reds (3-0) should have moved RSL up this week, but too many idle squads.
12. L.A. (12): A win without Donovan over the #1 team on the table has the Gals excited, but it isn’t enough yet.
13. Dallas (13): Yet another tie for the Former Burn, but at least this time it was on the road. What a boring team. 
14. San Jose (14): SJE didn’t play, so they won’t move. In all honesty, there is really nowhere to go for them but down.
15. New York (15): NY’s brutal schedule set them up to lose twice on the road this week. They have only scored one goal in 10 away games all year (0-9-1) and have ceded a whopping 17. When will Osorio get a pink slip?

When I heard they had made a sequel to the original Soccer Dog, and that it would focus on the European Cup, I almost decided to drive to Hollywood, find a psychiatrist, and take him to the suits who greenlit the second film. Did the original Soccer Dog leave loose ends that needed a sequel to tie them up? Of course not. The second film was even more poorly made than the original (mostly because it has no Ms. d’Abo). But, the sequel may be so bad it’s good.

I have never seen a more poorly made mainstream film than Soccer Dog – European Cup (2004), which sort of makes it fun to watch. My main criticism of the film is the reason why the film is so bad, yet simultaneously hilarious: it’s set in Scotland. Now, I know we Yanks have some stupid ideas about foreigners and we like to think of them as fitting our preconceived stereotypes (as they do us), but whoever wrote this film doesn’t know much about Scotland. Or soccer.

So, many of the characters are supposed to be Scots, but none of the actors playing them are, in fact, Scottish. Thus, the film is, if nothing else, the finest collection of bad Scottish accents ever compiled. Also, whoever was the costume designer was obviously under the impression that all Scottish men still wear kilts (which they don’t unless they are at an event that calls for it). Finally, in one scene, a vendor at a soccer game is going through the crowd selling haggis.

Seriously? That’s like making a movie about us where we all talk like idiots, wear blue jeans everywhere, and eat nothing but fast food. Wait a minute, that hypothetical movie actually sounds more realistic. Well, anyways… To make a long story short, Soccer Dog – European Cup makes no sense. It’s only set in Scotland (so the rest of Europe isn’t involved) and there’s no cup. All in all, this film is probably the worst of the three, which is really saying a lot.

Air Bud – World Pup (2000) was the second movie about dogs playing soccer ever made, and in my opinion it was the second movie about dogs playing soccer that should never have been made. It was worse than Soccer Dog, and that right there says quite a bit about how deplorable it is. Before I delve into why the film is so bad, let me give you some backstory on the entire Air Bud series. Yes, that’s right, this dog/soccer film is part of a nine part series. Yikes… 

Air Bud is a Golden Retriever who is unusually good at sports. He is played by his real life alter ego, Buddy, who is better at basketball than I am, which again isn’t saying much. Because Buddy was such a “baller”, some folks in Hollywood got together and made the original Air Bud in 1997. They, of course, made a fortune and now are cranking out almost one film a year where Buddy plays a different sport. They’ve done football, baseball, volleyball, etc. etc.

Air Bud – World Pup was the third film in the series, and it should have signaled the demise of dog/sports movies. But it didn’t.  Though Buddy is the star of the film, the kid who plays his owner Josh is the main human character. Josh isn’t much of a star athlete, but Buddy sure is, especially at soccer. Or at least the director wanted us to think so. Buddy scores lots of goals, but we never really see him do too much with the ball. The cinematography is pathetic. 

So, to make a long (boring) story short, Buddy leads Josh’s co-ed team to the title (sound familiar Soccer Dog fans?) and both he and Josh meet ladies. Josh gets some family-friendly loving from his special girl, while Buddy actually goes all porno on another Golden Retriever and has puppies. We don’t actually see any doggy style though, which is probably the only good thing about this movie. All in all, Air Bud – World Pup gets two paws down from STO.

PLAYER OVERVIEW: Alexi Lalas is considered one of the most recognizable faces in American soccer - or should I say he had one of the most recognizable goateed faces in American soccer.  Lalas played defender for the United States in all four matches of the epic 1994 FIFA World Cup.  Lalas also was a member of 1998 U.S. team, but he never played a minute in regulation. 

Alexi was also the first modern-day American player to break into Serie A.

AFTER THE GAME: After Lalas retired from the game, he embarked on one of the worst careers as a General Manager in soccer history, eventually being fired by the LA Galaxy last season.  Today, Alexi is known for his broadcasting career.  He works as a soccer analyst for ESPN and has been the studio analyst during the Confederations Cup.  Lalas originally broke into broadcasting during his first sabbatical from soccer in 2000. He’s not bad either.

DID YOU KNOW?: Did you know that Alexi Lalas is also a tour-traveling musician?  That’s right, Alexi plays the guitar and sings as well.  In 1998, the defender’s band, the Gypsies, opened for Hootie and the Blowfish on an eight show tour going through Europe.  The Gypsies with Lalas went on to make two albums: Woodland and Jet Lag.  Later Lalas would create his own solo debut album, which was accurately named Ginger.  His most well known song on the album (which is basically unknown) was called Goodnight Moon, just like the children’s book.

2010 PROPOSAL: Although Alexi’s soccer playing days are over, the man needs to grow back the ginger goatee for the sake of the U.S. squad.  Think about it.  One of America’s best World Cup showings was when Alexi had the goat going in full force.  But, in the last few years, we have not seen as much of the legendary crimson goatee and our World Cup results have declined a little bit in that time span.  The answer to this dilemma is simple. 

For the U.S. to have a chance in 2010, Alexi must grow back the goatee and give the U.S. squad a little more firepower.

Don’t do it for me Alexi, do it for your country and gingers worldwide.

Today is the last Saturday before the Fourth of July. The great thing about Independence Day is that like many holidays, it’s a day when you can do whatever you want.  A man can lounge around and watch soccer on TV, drink beers, and grill out with his friends by the pool.  It’s also one of the only days of the year where you can shoot off fireworks.

Of course, I – the STO Commish – usually blast my fireworks until seven in the morning keeping everybody else in the neighborhood up for the whole night. Ah, good times. But, besides all these great things, the Fourth of July is really about spending time with your family. And what’s the best way to spend a summer afternoon with the fam?

Well, watching a huge soccer match on television, of course. I’m not talking about the MLS or even a World Cup Qualifier.  And if you’re thinking about English or European leagues then you probably need a calendar.  What I am talking about is something groundbreaking. Something revolutionary. Something no one has ever seen before… 

A match that includes all the best players from all the best leagues around the world.  In other words - a global all-star game.  Think I’m crazy?  Well, they do it in hockey.  It’s called North America vs. the World (don’t think that would be a good idea in soccer though, and even in hockey it’s really Canada vs. the World, but hey at least we get name recognition).

The same principles that apply to the NHL would apply to my Dream Match. The soccer all-star game would be North and South America vs. the World (or Europe vs. the World).  Imagine the matchups on the field.  Think about what it would take to even be good enough to make the squad.  July 4th would be a perfect time to hold the competition too. 

Most soccer leagues have recently ended and the Confederations Cup is winding down. Can you imagine the hype surrounding such a match?  It would truly be a World Cup.  And then afterwards you would still have plenty of time to grill out, drink more beer, and shoot off fireworks keeping up the neighborhood until the wee hours of the morning.

Could a World All-Star Game work?

You be the judge.

I’ll just be the Commish.

But I won’t ever look as sweet as Chiklis did.

Where’s Chiklis? He’s out kidnapping Ronaldo, Kaka, Torres, Buffon, etc. What can I say, he liked my all-star game idea.

Well, and he does enjoy a bit of kidnapping too.

I have been as sick as a dog lately, so I decided to plop down and watch a few more movies so I could keep the STO Soccer Film Review series running strong. I have worked like a dog to already review several films dealing with humans playing the world’s most beautiful game, but…

I have thus far neglected movies about canines’ love of soccer, so here goes…

Believe it or not, three movies about dogs playing soccer have come out in the last decade. If that isn’t a sign of the apocalyspse (or that we’ve all gone to the dogs), I don’t know what would qualify. Anyways, today and on Monday and Tuesday, I will be reviewing each of the three films so we can determine which cinematic doggy doo-doo emerges as top dog.

I know this is a stupid three-part series, so please go ahead and call off the dogs. In fact, the only thing more ridiculous than the existence of three “dogs playing soccer” movies is the fact I am reviewing them.

But hey, it’s a dog eat dog world, and I need a few more posts for the dog days of June.

So, please read below and come back to STO on Monday and Tuesday to learn about the best (and only) three movies about dogs playing soccer ever made. Each morning, another dog will have it’s day. It’s going to be a real dog and pony show, that’s for sure. But, what can I say. My dog ate my other posts. Plus, I am now out of dog idioms, so let’s start.

Soccer Dog – The Movie (1999) was the first ever cinematic tribute to dogs playing the beautiful game that I am aware of. It stars James Marshall and Olivio d’Abo, who you likely better remember as Fred Savage’s smoking hot sister on Wonder Years. Tony Giglio directed the film and amazingly producers have allowed him to make four movies since.

The plot is pretty simple: Marshall and d’Abo take in an orphan, but the kid doesn’t dig soccer like his dad. However, another stray the family takes in, this one a real dog, turns out to be very adept at soccer and leads the orphan’s team to the title. Of course, the dog brings the family together too. The game scenes are shot poorly and hard to watch. 

This movie would be totally unwatchable if it didn’t at least take itself so lightly. After all, it is a movie about a dog playing soccer, and at least the people who made it understood how absolutely ridiculous it would be. It’s one of those subversive kids movies that has humor that is more for the parents than the kids. You know, like The Exorcist.

I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone, even dog lovers. In fact, the best advice I can give is just to let this sleeping dog lie. I guess I still had one canine idiom left over in my doggy bag, if you will. The movie actually gives a special thanks to Stanley Kubrick at the end, which may be the funniest joke in the whole entire movie, if you ask me.

All in all, Soccer Dog – The Movie gets two paws down from this STO reviewer. It’s definitely not one lucky dog.

Hey, at least I made it through this whole post without referencing doggy-style. Damn! If you want to see a real stylish dog, check out my beloved Anna at the top of this post. She’s one hot dog. She’s really the tail that wags the dog of our family. Geez, maybe I will never run out of these idioms. They’re sort of like the hair of the dog that bit me.

Yes, I will never stop.

When it comes to idioms @ STO, you know they will always be raining like cats and dogs. After all, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  OK, I’m spent now. I promise, no more inane dog cliches. I have no more left in me anyways. To put it another way, I guess you could say I’m officially dog-tired. Yeah, you knew I couldn’t resist, didn’t you?

Am I dreaming or did the US beat the #1 ranked team in the world, Spain, 2-0 yesterday in the Confederations Cup Final to advance to the squad’s first real chance at worldwide glory? Well, I can’t be dreaming. First of all, I never sleep lately. Secondly, I watched the results unfold on Matchtracker and caught the replay last night on ESPN2. So…

It must have really happened. Despite all the so-called expert’s opinions and long odds, the US has beaten a team no one has beaten in 35 matches (a world record). It was a thrilling game full of fantastic play by both squads, but in the end the US has emerged as a Confederations Cup finalist and a newly-crowned darkhorse contender in 2010.

How did it happen? Well, Donovan continued to display some of his best soccer ever. Dempsey and Altidore extended their reputations as deadly goal scorers. And – finally – the Man of the Match (at least in my opinion), Timmy Howard, reclaimed his starting job from El Guz and put forth the best performance by a US keeper since Keller v. Brazil in ‘98.

Was it a dominant performance? Nope. Not for the US anyways. Spain actually thoroughly outplayed the Yanks, but Howard had 8 saves and La Roja missed many great scoring opportunities. In fact, the US only took 2 shots on goal, but both found the net. I wouldn’t say the US was “lucky”, but I would wager they win this game only 10% of the time.

But, luckily for US soccer fans, yesterday fell into that 10% category. It wasn’t a completely happy ending though. MB – the “straw that stirs the drink” in the US midfield – received a foolish red card late in the game and will miss Sunday’s final. I – for one – won’t miss that game for the world though. The US has a chance to win a worldwide FIFA tourney.

But, even if they don’t, no one can deny that they have achieved much during this tournament. After a poor start, they have seized momentum and are playing with passion and chemistry. Regardless of whether or not the Yanks hoist the Cup on Sunday, their cup already runneth over. I salute our boys, Bob Bradley, and US soccer fans everywhere.

We may not be better than Spain, but we scored more goals than they did yesterday.

Somebody pinch me.

Wow. What an incredible performance that was the U.S. today in beating the world’s best team, 2-0 in the semi-final of the Confederations Cup. The U.S. will now play either Brazil or South Africa in the final on Sunday. By winning, the U.S. advanced to its first men’s FIFA final since starting play in 1916, which is why this was a huge victory for U.S. soccer.

The U.S. got goals from Jozy Altidore and Clint Dempsey and terrific performances by Tim Howard and the U.S. back four, kept the Spaniards at bay and ended Spain’s 35-game unbeaten run and 15-match streak of victories.

“It’s exciting, a great team effort. To beat an amazing team like Spain and make the final, it’s big,” U.S. coach Bob Bradley said. “We played as hard as we could and that’s what it took. Every guy contributed, so it’s a very good feeling.”

How could the U.S. look so terrible against Brazil and Italy and so good against Egypt and Spain? One reason is that the U.S. is playing with the heart that we have been calling for. I lost count of the number of blocked shots that the U.S. had in the second half today as players were sacrificing themselves to block shots. That commitment was missing in the early games.

The U.S. back four has now two shutouts in a row and look a much stronger group. Oguchi Onyewu and Jay DeMerit have grown in statue the last two games and are providing that strength down the middle that the U.S. needs. Jonathan Spector has taken hold of the right back spot this month and has got better with every game as he regains fitness after a long time out injured last season/

I have criticized LandyCakes for not showing up when it counts in big games for the U.S., but Donovan has been terrific all during the tournament. He is the best U.S. player and today he was all over the park, setting up a goal and making tackles in his own penalty box. Donovan has shown in the Confederations Cup why he should be playing in a top league in Europe.

The other player who continues to impress me is Jozy Altidore. For someone who is only 19 years old and has hardly played a competitive game this year, Altidore has been terrific this past month for the national team. The future of U.S. soccer is Jozy Altidore and Freddy Adu and together they can help the U.S. dominate CONCACAF for the next decade.