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STO’s Soccer the Movie: The Assistant Coach

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Every sports movie not only needs the manager, but they need his critical right hand man.  The assistant coach usually is someone that has a different perspective then the manager’s and sometimes their insight opens the eyes of the head honcho.  In The Natural it is the assistant coaches suggestion to give Roy Hobbs a shot in the lineup. 

But then again every movie is different and sometimes the assistant coach is purely comic relief like Daniel Stern’s zany character in Rookie of the Year.  Our assistant coach will not be partially retarded like Daniel Stern’s portrayal of a pitching coach. 

But who should be the assistant coach that supports and sometimes clashes with our manager Michael Caine?  The STO debates.

1) Bob Hoskins

Yes’r Mr. Super Mario himself could play the role.  Of course he would use his actual English accent and he would also act with real people in this movie and not cartoon rabbits, but I could see Hoskins as Caine’s portly, pleasant assistant that conveniently fills us in with the manager’s back story from time to time.  Hoskins was actually the second pick for Super Mario Bros after Danny Devito bowed out, but for STO’s Soccer the Movie he is the first pick.  And he will agree to a contract too.  After all he did star as a voice in Garfield 2.

2) Albert Finney

Finney is one of those old guys that despite his age livens up every role that he is takes on.  His narration in the film Big Fish makes it worth watching alone.  He is one of the most accomplished actors of our time and even better he is from Manchester, England and is likely a devoted EPL fan.  Finney is another guy that can pull off the American accent when need be, but for this role he could just let it flow naturally.  One problem though is that Finney is getting up there in the years and doesn’t work to much on a regular basis.  If we can pry him away from hisMatlock episodes then we will be just fine though.

3) Sean Bean

Bond”s nemesis in Golden Eye would be a great assistant coach for the film if we decided to go another direction away from the wise elder like Finney and Hoskins would be.  Bean could play the young ambitious coach that overlooks Caine simply because he thinks his methods are too old school. Of course by the end of the movie he would realize that he weas too arrogant and he would begin to respect the manager and would become willing to learn the game from his wise elder.  But Bean hasn’t been in too much recently that I’ve seen.  But then again I didn’t see The Hitcher.

4) Pierce Brosnan

And if we are considering Bean for the role then we have to also consider Mr. Bond himself.  After all Brosnan has gone unnoticed in this casting session for any role and the British former spy agent is in some of the highest grossing movies in the history of British cinema.  And no I’m not referring to his work in Dante’s Peak.  Brosnan could channel similar character to Sean Bean and be the competitive younger coach that doesn’t originally fully respect his elder boss, but comes to realize he was wrong by the end of the film.  It’s a much better role then a creepy archaeologist that is in love with Linda Hamilton.  Gross.

5) Robert Loggia

Loggia gets the final spot simply because my brother Yank is completely infatuated with the guy.  He has played an assistant coach before in the film Necessary Roughness, but some claim that the sports movie isn’t realistic.  I for one think it is possible that Scott Bakula could play QB for a Division I college in Texas.  And Kathy Ireland as the kicker and Jason Batemanas the RB are obvious choices for the roster too.  But Loggia is a disciplinarian (or in street talk) a ball buster and he wouldn’t put up with any crap from any of the players.  If you’ve seen the Mac commercial he was in then you know what I’m talking about.  But one requirement if he does get the part is that he brings back the Cuban accent from Scarface.  Very authentic.

Creative Commons License photo credit: James Laurence Stewart

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