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US Soccer’s Seven Deadly Sins: Lust

The Sin: Lust is one sin that I have had difficulty linking to one’s soccer ability. After all, some of the greatest players in recent world history (including both Ronaldos and Mr. Rooney) and from the past (George Best, Eusebio) were lusty lads. Now, Rocky Balboa’s trainer believed the physical act of love could drain an athlete of energy, and thus jeopardize his chances of victory. Yet, other players believe they have to hump before halftime or they will lose.

The Sinners: I define “lust” as “a self-destructive appetite for sex”. Lusty people (aka “nymphos”) have very little self control, and they usually cave whenever they are seduced. Lust leads to disastrous consequences too, as it causes one to sacrifice long-term happiness for short-term sexual contact. So, which of our Nats lounges around lusting for the ladies? Based on a few interviews I have seen, it appears to me that Special K, Mr. Kljestan, is reputed to be a “playa”.

The Saints:  When it comes to lust, I am not sold it is a sin that sucks for one’s soccer skills. I can see both sides of the debate. Mick could have been right, after all he also told Rocky not to fight Clubber Lang the 1st time. A night of sexual healing could leave one hurting the next day on the pitch. Plus, relationships (especially those involving fluid exchange) are complicated and could be distracting.

But, for some people not getting “it” on routinely can be complicated and distracting. I also think some stars mount sexual conquest campaigns in order to breed confidence on the pitch. So, I say go with whatever works for you. Whatever floats your (motor) boat. I know I would opt for nookie, and I imagine that no US MNT player has lived a completely chaste life. At least not by choice. So, I suppose Skeletor will be taking an orgy of sinners with him to S. Africa no matter what.

I have just one question? 

Can I come too?

And yes, pun intended. Arrrrr!  

The Sermon: Why does my sexy tiger noise above sound more like something a pirate would say? Jeez, all this talk about sin apparently has me losing my mind and my soul. Anyways, let’s place our focus back on lust. All major world religions (unless you count those pesky pagans) agree that lust is a sin. According to Matthew 5:28, Jesus once taught that “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Now, I think a lusty look is a pretty minor sin, so the fact Jesus equates it with adultery makes me exclaim “Jesus Christ! I’m going to be roasting over the coals of hellfire for all eternity!” Seriously? I think JC is being a little harsh. I mean lust is bad and all. But, it doesn’t seem to hurt one’s soccer skills. So, I say to the US Nats, if you must commit one of the Seven Deadly Sins, enjoy some good old fashioned fornication. 

If you are willing to give it your best (money) shot come 2010, stay away from all sins except lust. If you all must blow off some steam, do not become embroiled in a thunderstorm of serious sins. No, instead form into one collective hurricane of boners and leave not one woman in South Africa unsatisfied. Wow. That was so tasteless. Yet another sin! Damn! Well, thank God this is my final sermon as my series on the Seven Deadly Sins and their relation to US Soccer is coming to an end.

I hope these posts have left you lusting for more. OK, that was a truly terrible pun. In fact, it was a sin. It was going to happen inevitably though. You see, sin is (and always will be) all around us because humans are by their nature sinful beings. People are “living in sin” in higher numbers now too than perhaps ever before, and I’m not just talking about those folks who are cohabitating prior to marriage. We all need to combat our sinful natures. I must apologize for my own sins often. Heck, I may end up in Hell due to this series, and I’m sorry about that. 

Most of all though, I apologize for my biggest sin during this series: Exposing you to this second photo of Rosie O’Donnell. It’s from a movie called Exit to Eden. If that is what Eve looked like in the Garden of Eden, I am glad she at least had the courtesy to hasten our exit by presenting us with that delicious red apple (free will). I’ll take free will (and the inevitable sin it leads to) over lounging around in some garden with Rosie in that get-up.

That image sure doesn’t make you hard, but like gazing upon Medusa, it could perhaps turn you to stone. I apologize for showing it to you.  I believe I had to do it though. The purpose of this entire series was to explain to you what sin looked like and how you could avoid it, right? Well, now you know. After all, Rosie is – as they say – “ugly as sin.”

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